something in the air high school musical

“Contempt is the deadliest and most lethal of the four horsemen,” Shebib said. Take responsibility, accept the other person’s perspective, and offer an apology for any wrongdoing.Ĭontempt: Comments that belittle and demean the other person “One defensive behavior that has been researched immensely is mind reading, and mind reading statements often include the words ‘you always’ or ‘you never’- which are particularly toxic.”Īccording to Gottman’s research, the antidote to defensiveness is to fight the impulse to defend oneself and accept at least some partial responsibility for the issue at hand. “Defensiveness involves defending oneself by communicating ‘It’s not me. The antidote to a criticism is a complaint that focuses on a specific behavior without assigning blame.ĭefensiveness: Victimizing oneself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame This can trigger an escalation of conflict that includes the other, more-deadly horsemen. So instead of saying to one’s husband, “Why are you so lazy? You never put the toilet seat down,” rephrase it and say, “Can you please put the toilet seat down?” The first statement is a criticism because it is a personal attack, which can lead people to feel hurt. Shebib suggests starting the conversation gently talk about feelings using “I” statements and express a positive need. “Each of these destructive forms has an antidote that can help people work through conflict.”Ĭriticism: Verbally attacking personality or characterĬriticism attacks the person for who they are, whereas a behavioral complaint focuses on a specific action that person could have done. “We all know certain communicative behaviors, like yelling or screaming, are bad, right? But how can people change their destructive communication once it’s become such a habit in their relationship? My overall goal is to answer just that,” Shebib said. Most interestingly, Gottman’s research suggests that, within the first three minutes of an interaction, the presence of these forms of communication can predict divorce with an accuracy rate of over 90 percent, Shebib says. There are four things to look out for in a relationship during conflict, notably known as psychologist John Gottman’s “four horsemen of the apocalypse.” Gottman says couples who divorce are likely to exhibit a pattern of conflict that includes criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

We cannot change who we are as a person, but we can change our behavior So much so, this is what I do for a living - study conflict,” she said.

“Growing up, my parents were very destructive and dysfunctional when handling conflict, and it was very hard dealing with that as a child. One of the reasons Shebib studies conflict is that it is inevitable, and the consequences it has on personal health and relational health can be devasting if not communicated constructively and productively. So, with everything dark, there is some brightness to it, and with everything bright, there’s also darkness.”įor example, high-conversation-oriented families can be associated with perceptions of helicopter parenting, she says. It can allow you to solve problems and gain a different perspective and understanding. Conflict can be beneficial in a marriage. “We know based on research it is not the mere frequency with which you argue that predicts the demise of your relationship it is actually how you argue that predicts the relational dissolution. “By better understanding the dark, we can begin to reap the benefits inflicted from our pain,” Shebib said. There are often positive silver linings in seemingly dark relational contexts.

Shebib is notably known for her dark side perspective - shedding light on the paradoxical, dialectical, hidden and forbidden facets of human relating. “It encompasses both the bright and the dark.” “One of the interesting paradoxes we experience in life is that relationships have the potential to be tremendously beneficial and awfully harmful to us,” said Shebib, an assistant professor and associate scientist in the College of Arts and Sciences’ Department of Communication Studies and associate editor of Relationship Research News. Shebib, Ph.D., is an expert in the field of conflict, and her research is focused on learning to change people’s destructive or dysfunctional communication to more functional and productive ways. The University of Alabama at Birmingham’s Samantha J. – Picture a relationship: A disagreement starts, someone complains and the other person becomes defensive.

Something in the air high school musical